Marriage Ministry

Marriage | Spiritual Warfare
Marriage | Fight For Your Marriage
How To Stop Argument

Marriage Ministry
Maranatha's Marriage Ministry is all about love.
Promoting God's plan for marriage through teaching married couples what the Scriptures teach concerning Christian marriage.

Helping individuals to come to a personal, saving knowledge of and trust in Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord, "teaching them to observe all things" that Christ commanded. Betterment of marital and family communications; encouragement of couples and families to work toward the ideal in relationships set forth in the Holy Scripture.

Fostering of fellowship, witness, and deep interpersonal sharing in relationships as described in the New Testament. Providing tools to couples and families for improving their relationship with each other and with God in Christ Jesus. Obedience to Holy Scripture is the final test of our ministry.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
Joy, hope, patience, faith, and prayer. In this simple verse are powerful truths concerning the stand for the healing of your marriage. Are you joyful in the Lord in spite of your circumstances? Are you patient with the Lord while He is working things out in your marriage? Are you faithfully praying for your prodigal spouse? If you are lacking in any of these areas, confess it to the Lord and ask for His forgiveness. The Lord gives abundantly to those who earnestly seek Him.

FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.

2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.

Agree with their negative feelings - whatever they are.

"Yes, this relationship is hopeless."

"Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct."

Do not defend yourself.

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.

3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.

The status quo - as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct - that you all were getting too serious too fast - or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.

This uses jujitsu, and it always works.

Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.

You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.

Now, this does not mean no contact.

If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.

You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk.

Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.

Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.

You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.

"When do you want me to pick the kids up?"

Or, "Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?"

These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.

Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."

Agree with them, quickly.

Why?

Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.

If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!

Here's a typical case in my practice:

Recently a man called me and told me that his wife was telling him over and over again that she did not love him any more, and that "this marriage can't work and I don't want it to work."

And of course he was very upset.

I told him three sentences to say to her at the opportune moment, and we made an appointment on the telephone for the following Monday - this was on Tuesday.

He called me on Saturday very excited, he said, "I know we don't have an appointment until Monday but I just can't wait to tell you what happened! Last night my wife came home, plopped on the bed very tired, and she started telling me how she didn't love me anymore and that this marriage can't work and that she didn't even have the slightest desire for it to work.

I told her the three sentences you told me to say, and I used the tone of voice you told me to use, and then I was quiet.

She got up off the bed and walked around for about five minutes, came back and sat in a chair and looked me straight in the eye and said, "you know - I think this marriage can work, and I want it to work."

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